Toxic Steph,

Everything reminds me of you. Photos, songs, and places.

A memory.

Am I okay? I thought I could be.

Did I lie?

Drama queen. A crazy drama queen.

Oh, I want attention.

I scream in my car, the only time I am ever alone.

I sometimes still fill my hand with an entire bottle of sleeping pills. Yeah.

But, I won’t attempt. Not again.

I have not cried in weeks.

I take long showers. I sit under the water, scolding hot water.

I want you to understand this is not for attention.

Understand me.

I get these feelings that something bad is going to happen.

I still crave your excitement.

For once, be honest with me-care about me more.

What is wrong? Too much.

What is right? Too much.

When can I be happy?

When will this good stuff be what is interesting?

I still have scars.

But, I do not need to be fixed.

You tried taking me down.

You were my love, but you still treated me like nothing.

When will this work?

When will I be enough?

Am I selfish?

It is time to say goodbye.

I am alive.

You were suffering.

Thank you for the memories, but I hate remembering them.

I am sorry you were used, but you hurt me too.

You were sick and tired. I understand.

You did not want love.

I am not going to cry for you anymore.

You let me down.

But, I never thought it would be this hard to let you go.

Why I am I on the bathroom floor?

I will not cry for you.

You did not want to feel this, but I do. It is far much better than being numb.

It was easier for you to not feel at all.

Distractions. Distractions. Distractions.

It was so empty.

I will not be you anymore.

I am trying. But, you call to me.

The top of the world is beautiful, though.

If I started crying, I would probably never stop.

There is still so much pain in remembering you.

I want you gone.

Hey, it’s me.

I sometimes still miss you. I look at photos of you. I think about your friends. Did you leave them or did they leave you? Full of all these questions. I wonder about you. I think about what happened. What if it didn’t happen? I should drop it, right. It was a game. I meant nothing to you. We are supposed to grow and you never let me.

I do not want to die anymore, but some days do not even feel real.

Looking at myself; hating what I see.

Desperate to change, because I do not want to let myself down again.

I am so afraid this will never go away.

But, I can not carry this hate anymore. I can not live in the past.

I am too busy fighting for today.

I choose not to self-destruct.

I choose life.

I am happy it did not work out for us.

Goodbye.

cry me a river, Mississippi.

The ground felt damp on my skin as I began to melt into the dark cloudy sky.

and for moments I forgot who I was, where I was.

I no longer felt alone.

I felt free, happy, & innocent.

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath of the lake water. It smelled familiar.

and whatever part of my life I chose

I allowed those memories to flood my brain.

Sometimes remembering things I had made myself forget.

Desperate to feel something. Desperate to wake up.

I opened my eyes and cried.

Curled up in ball right beside the water.

That’s when I feel safest, the smell of the water reminds me of family camping trips at the river back home years ago.

I will always say that I am terrified of the water.

Yet, I will never forget the way I cried by myself on the wet cold ground those few nights in Georgia. I will never forget the nights I spent writing beside that water.

Wishing for death.

The way for a moment I would forget everything when I opened my eyes. I could never forget.

There are days where I still question my sanity.

I wake up some mornings and still wonder if it will be the day I die. Some days even hoping it could be.

It’s a crazy thing being tormented by your own brain. It’s a crazy thing loving life, but being stuck with these overwhelming thoughts from time to time.

The process of healing is crazy wild, but I’m here,

We’re all here.

Awake.

It is a hot topic to say the least, but it is so very important to say the most. I was raised in northeast Mississippi, I was brought up mostly by Christians. I was not made be active in a church, no, but I heard lots of talk about “God.” I knew families who were actively practicing faith in the Bible and families who only kept their God in mind for when they needed love, safety, health, or to say a prayer for some one else in need of these. I was not made aware of other religions; I knew only Christians. It was not until I joined the military that I realized how many different sets of beliefs and versions of those beliefs there are today. This small discussion would be particularly for someone who decides to not explore for themselves, the one who continues from birth until death with no consideration or even enough curiosity to study the possibilities. How do so many choose to hate something they have no idea about? your mind is set to x, there’s to y. And so far the only thing happening is hate. And to my knowledge, none of what you believe teaches you to be that way. You come from a long line of whatever it is and this doesn’t even have to be solely about religion anymore, but break the chain. Find yourself. Choose what calls out to you. Be free from the time it takes you to judge others.

i am in love with my existence

is it not wild that we all live here on this planet together and none of us have a definite answer on what our reality has been or what it means- so we decide to fight with what is considered to be fiction to the opposer. we decide to tear others down for what they love-who they love. it makes no sense. it is wild. we are all here by some chance or will. and we decide to make it miserable for how others choose to live an opportunity- instead of living a full life of your beliefs are you really gonna waste it on hating on what you don’t? humans decide that. the fight will continue to grow. this is absolutely insane. please wake up. LET HUMANS LIVE. 🦋

as it should be.

I used to tell myself I wanted-needed to die every single day from first thing in the morning until the moment before I fell asleep- shit I would dream about dying , but once I got a taste of bettering myself, I became addicted. In the best sense though, I started making myself a priority. My well being, health, education, & growth. I became hyper-focused on how to become the best version of myself. This is the most powerful form of living; as all the energy wasted otherwise on comparison, doubt, etc is invested solely into myself.

Storm.

I was a storm chaser and your storm was the most destructive I had ever seen.

It was vacant, violent, and dark- ever so often illuminating the sky with a vanishing flash of lightning. I peacefully watched as your funnel grew larger and nearer, taken back by its uniqueness, I did not run. Instead, I blissfully embraced my own self destruction as I was lifted from the ground below me. Your storm took my mind, body, and soul, ripped me into a million pieces and scattered what was left amongst the rubble. Your storm taught me in every detail of every piece of myself that I collected from the dust, that I am no longer the storm chaser, I am the storm.